Thursday, November 16, 2006
This one may sound out of place amoung the other entries. I dont know what to say. so they think they know me, or know me well. honestly nobody knows me. i do not wear my heart on my sleeve, not at all. because of that i did protect myself from getting hurt or rejected, but i dont know how i ended up feeling full of guilt and even more hurt. ironically i feel even more rejected than ever, not from the ones i love but.. in other words the wall i had created from everyone in my life to selfishly protect myself had destroyed me the most. i have isolated myself. noone will disagree with me when i say that rejection is everyones greatest fear. the one who doesnt fear rejection is the perfect person, and perfection does not exist as far as we all know. perhaps because every being has his/her own view on how perfection is like. I am supposed to be making a call to my boyfriend since i cannot sleep, but it will be redundant to wake him up for nothing. Since the holidays have begun, I wanted to take more time to do some soul searching and find some happiness with my life. I thought it would be easy... if only it is. Things have changed alot for me, right now i feel like i have just got off a rollercoaster ride, my mind all messed up and feeling nauseaus. like i cannot hold it any longer and i feel like throwing up all these feelings that i have been holding inside. all these years i am living my life selfishly and in the end it cost me my conscience and real happiness. living my life in contradiction and lies and didnt bother to do something about it because i thought i could just make things disappear and pretend it didnt happen... my expectations in life are not as shallow as people think... glamourous holidays and lots of luxuries. the happiness i get from these are only a fraction of what i can get from being close to the important people in my life. to be able to share everything with someone is impossible for me though I am truely happy when i feel close to a person. but i cant let my guards down, i wish i could. i want to and i will try. but while some secrets are meant to be kept, bad ones need to be forgotten. sometimes i have so much badness in me that I scare myself. to pretend no wrong is done then move on, then repeat the same mistakes over and over again. i know thats not the right way. I feel like Im being consumed by my selfishness. I dont know... I do not make friends easily with people. My life does not revolve around social circles or big parties that are full of strangers. I do not intend to seek my main source of happiness from there. What i really want now is to have a good relationship with the few key persons in my life, and to be honest with myself.
